No more. NO. MORE!!!

exceedingly dodgy fashion statements, Ms Peelpants' rants, topshop

I could just about cope with leggings making a comeback. There’s a kind of logic when hems rise, and tights aren’t quite thick enough to cope.

But cycling shorts?

No. Cycling shorts were resigned to the tragically large heap of fashion no-nos a long time ago. I’m a girl who likes a bit of retro, even some things which might be considered naff (hello jumpsuits and batwing jumpers). But only GOOD things. Things which are stylish if worn properly and appropriately for an individual. Cycling shorts suit no one. No ONE. Not even Kate Moss. No. No. No. Can I say it any more vehemently? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Cycling shorts make the skinniest of legs look chunky. They cut off at the wrong point. Knees are not the most attractive part of a woman’s body. In fact, they’re right up there with feet for me in the ‘ewww’ stakes. Why would you want everyone staring at your knees?? Bad, bad, bad.

Making them in gold doesn’t make it any better, Topshop. I don’t know of anyone who would watch an MC Hammer video and think to themselves, ‘hmmm, sod the baggy Hammer-pants, I want some cycling shorts and a crop top’.
This isn’t irony, it’s torture. I wore them when I was 10, my age being my only excuse. They were ugly then and they’re ugly now.


If you find yourself looking longingly at them, please give yourself a smack around the head and donate the £14 you would have spent on looking like an idiot to charity. If I see any of you wearing them in the street, I will point and laugh openly. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

And I’m saying this because I like you, and I want you to be happy.

13 thoughts on “No more. NO. MORE!!!

  1. i really do wear bike shorts under my dresses/skirts sometimes when i’m riding my bike. these would actually be so fun to wear instead of my navy and black shorts.

  2. Bit of back-peddling here (arf arf)Wendy and Niki, I should have pointed out that wearing cycling shorts for actual cycling or working out is fine. It’s the idea of wearing them walking down the street, or out to a bar, which makes me shudder.Any other time and I *will* start shouting ‘nooooooooo’ and run over to cover you up (imagine this all in slow motion) in the street.

  3. Retro Chick: interesting point. I would say that flashing a pair of cycling shorts is worse than flashing your knickers. Just invest in some nice pants if you’re going to wear a skirt which flies or rides up. At least then people will go ‘corrrrrrrr’ rather than ‘huh? is she wearing cycling shorts? bwahahahahaha’. KWIM? 😉

  4. Those are hideous. *But* I remember being very taken with the cycling-shorts and short-skirt combo back in the day. Because it allowed me to play out in excruciatingly short rara skirts. Not that anything like the embarrasment of showing my knickers actually put me off wearing short skirts. Ever. But you know what I mean. I distinctly recall some white non-shiny cycling shorts and a white skirt patterned with pink roses. I’d wear that again if I could have it in my size.And I used to like the black ones with the neon stripes down the sides teamed with a black skirt with neon splatter print and different coloured neon socks. And black jazz shoes. Not sure if I’d wear that now though because its deffinatelyu something for an nine year old, not a twenty nine year old! But I might be tempted to wear it to aerobics if I still did that sort of thing. Whatever happened to aerobics classes anyway, were they all destroyed by silly pilates and gymns?Am already freaked out by grown women who are wearing leggings with tops that don’t go down as far as their thighs though. It’s just wrong. Leggings are practically tights! I did wear leggings when they were in to *excess* because I’ve always loved tightly fitted clothing, but everyone was wearing them and I only wore patterned ones. I deeply loved my striped ones. I’m not wearing leggings again though. I now believe leggings were invented for women who a) haven’t shaved their legsb) don’t have very good legs.

  5. oh dear – i too succumbed to the 80’s cycling shorts trend and i do believe i wore them with leotards!! which i’m sure you can imagine was an awesome sight!! my friend’s mother still wears them to this day.. i don’t know if its an ironic nod to her youth or just cos nothing else fits!!??

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