No more. NO. MORE!!!

exceedingly dodgy fashion statements, Ms Peelpants' rants, topshop

I could just about cope with leggings making a comeback. There’s a kind of logic when hems rise, and tights aren’t quite thick enough to cope.

But cycling shorts?

No. Cycling shorts were resigned to the tragically large heap of fashion no-nos a long time ago. I’m a girl who likes a bit of retro, even some things which might be considered naff (hello jumpsuits and batwing jumpers). But only GOOD things. Things which are stylish if worn properly and appropriately for an individual. Cycling shorts suit no one. No ONE. Not even Kate Moss. No. No. No. Can I say it any more vehemently? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Cycling shorts make the skinniest of legs look chunky. They cut off at the wrong point. Knees are not the most attractive part of a woman’s body. In fact, they’re right up there with feet for me in the ‘ewww’ stakes. Why would you want everyone staring at your knees?? Bad, bad, bad.

Making them in gold doesn’t make it any better, Topshop. I don’t know of anyone who would watch an MC Hammer video and think to themselves, ‘hmmm, sod the baggy Hammer-pants, I want some cycling shorts and a crop top’.
This isn’t irony, it’s torture. I wore them when I was 10, my age being my only excuse. They were ugly then and they’re ugly now.


If you find yourself looking longingly at them, please give yourself a smack around the head and donate the £14 you would have spent on looking like an idiot to charity. If I see any of you wearing them in the street, I will point and laugh openly. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

And I’m saying this because I like you, and I want you to be happy.